Thursday, May 07, 2009

for all you know that your life is just a strange illusion

Few combination of words when strung together have a strong influence on your life. However, this honest influence is very ironically deceptive and fades in no time. The title of this post is the best example of what I am trying to disseminate. These are powerful words picked from Iron Maiden’s popular song “Hallowed be thy Name”. Coz each day there will be moments when you feel that your life is not more than just an illusion of your own mind.

For elaboration – Most days of my life, I try to live with a reason. A reason conceived and perceived by my own imagination. The reason recorded clearly in my brain cells. I work towards it and then begin to observe triumph. And once the reason to live is justified to me – the question that haunts is “Is this all that I wanted to do?” Whenever these words hit my mind's eye, it illuminates the fact that our live is, just for the record, an illusion of our own mind.

When I fell in love with Mechanical engineering I wanted to sit in a design studio and make better machines. Which is very much what I m doing today or rather expected to do. Probably I wish to do even bigger things in life, which I am sure I’ll do. But what troubles me is that once I get to do that thing the question will remain the same “Is this all that I really wanted to do?”

Can’t really believe that I waited for 23 long years to live the life I’m living right now. This is the time I differ with myself – Is this what I wanted from life? It’s often said that you don’t always get what you need but what you deserve. Well that’s not quite true. Because you’ll always get what you always want, provided you want it really badly. But once you get it – you ll want some more and then some more and still some more.

For example, you set out to design a part which best suits the purpose. Then slog your ass out to make it work. Then you gauge the performance and record it for justification. However the gauging of performance is merely the interpretation of your own understanding. Meaning you end up convincing yourself that you are convinced. Eventually nothing exists in result – all you know and see is just an ILLUSION of your own mind.

And today when I sit down to complete this post, I am blank. I have very little to write. The reason for the same is certainly not known to me. But what I speculate is that I m genuinely confused. As I begin to look a few years back I see a time when I knew exactly what I wanted to do and the rest of planet earth of my age was still trying to find their preferred way of success. Today the tables have spun round a complete 180 degrees..It’s the time of my life when I actually don’t know what I should be doing next. The illusion has disappeared. The confusion has taken over.

And then I face the irony of life each day. Each day I go to office with a motive to make a difference to this place. Very often I sit down to list the things I wish to do, and each time I know that I have very little time. And on top of it all, I try a million times and fail a billion times.

Coming back to the reality, I think I am standing in midst of a youthful confused state of mind. The youthful enthusiasm to do whatever comes my way. The confused me who doesn’t know what to do at times. And then the state of mind that smacks me down to achieve that seems to be a distant dream.

Am I getting used to success or am I not getting any success at all? Have I showed myself the wrong way? Have I started to doubt my decisions or rather my choice?

And then Led Zeppelin had to happen. Run thru the following lines to learn more. Here the "Woman” being my “Distant Dream”.

Been dazed and confused for so long its not true,
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you.
Lots of people talk and few of them know,
Soul of a woman was created below. Yeah!

You hurt and abused tellin all of your lies,
Run around sweet baby, lord how they hypnotize.
Sweet little baby, I don’t know where you’ve been,
Gonna love you baby, here I come again.

Every day I work so hard
Bringin home my hard earned pay
Try to love you baby, but you push me away.
Don’t know where you’re goin
Only know just where you’ve been,
Sweet little baby, I want you again.

Been dazed and confused for so long, its not true,
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you.
Take it easy baby, let them say what they will.
Will your tongue wag so much when I send you the bill?

PS: None